Blog Update!
For those of you not following me on Facebook, as of the Summer of 2019 I've moved to Central WA, to a tiny mountain town of less than 1,000 people.

I will be covering my exploits here in the Cascades, as I try to further reduce my impact on the environment. With the same attitude, just at a higher altitude!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Project Covered Wagon

On the wagonArduous had this fun post yesterday about picking who you would like to ride your wagon. No, that's not what I mean. The question is:

Who would you pick (from the blogging world) to be your four wagon-mates on the Oregon Trail?

Here's my answer (in no particular order):

1. Sharon - Since we are both six feet tall, our Oregon bound wagon would have some sort of Amazonian woman theme. Except we'd keep our breasts. Kind of like something you'd see at Burning Man, but a covered wagon. Maybe we could trick it out with flames on the side shooting out of an airbrushed quiver. Anyway, Sharon can pretty much grow and raise anything, so she'd be a valuable asset to have around. And, she's damn funny.

2. Greenpa - If he survives the wagon ride (meaning that no one has voted him off of Project Covered Wagon), he'll know how to set up shop once we get there. He's a freakin' complete walking edition of the Firefox books. Plus, he can provide hours of entertainment and I will have someone to make fun of.

3. Chile - Quite simply because she knows how to turn shit into gold. Plus, if Greenpa crumps on us with a bad case of consumption, Chile can take over as backup MacGyver and rig us up whatever we need.

4. April - I'm sorry to say that I don't think April will actually provide much in the way of utilizable skills (unless we need a little Clay work done), but she's such a goofball and does possess one valuable attribute to the wagon ride: she's six feet tall. Oh right, I guess she does have some farm skills.

UPDATE: Make sure you check out DC's rendition of our wagon. F'ng hilarious!

So, who gets to ride your wagon?


ruchi said...

Dude, I totally ALREADY called Chile! Her shit turned gold is MINE. Lay off, Chicken. :)

Belinda said...


I didn't expect to not meet the height requirement of a trip, being 5 foot 9 and all, for at least another couple of generations.

Kind Regards

Robj98168 said...

I WOULD TAKE cHEAP vEGETABLE FARMER to do the growing thing; equa yona(Big Bear)cause he knows about these kinda things, Busydad & Fury cause- hell I need entertainment and hilarity And Belinda cause you dont have to be 6feet tall to ride in my wagon!

Chile said...

Um, is a height of 6 feet required for entry onto the wagon? Cuz if it is, I need to go shopping for some different shoes....and then learn how to walk on them. Hm, do they make short stilts?

Arduous, there's an easy solution here. Take your trips at different times!

jewishfarmer said...

Oh, Wow, I get to go on the wagon of the amazons - yay!!

If I were picking, I'd be tempted just to stay on this wagon, since the company is so cool, but I'd like to add Aaron ( since he a. meets the height requirements and b. habitually fasts for like 2 weeks at a time, so he'd be unlikely to eat us if we got into trouble near Donner pass ;-).


Connie said...

Hey, don't wagons travel in wagon trains? Aren't we all on this trip together? Circle the wagons and all that. I'll be the scout on the horse! (she says hoping to get to go at all).

Greenpa said...

Well, I'm honored, of course. And just to keep the facts straight, I qualify on the height end, and fasting- though not regular, I've done total fasts for 30 days (water and a vitamin pill only); and, incidentally, I'm a crack shot, which is always useful on a wagon train.

Notice I'm carefully avoiding trouble with gender based observations. I'm circumspect, too. :-)

Who could ask for anything more?

Crunchy Chicken said...

Arduous - I'm planning on a stagecoach robbery style kidnapping to snatch Chile for my ride. Watch yer back, woman! Wait a second, aren't I already on your wagon? I'm so confused.

Chile - You get special dispensation, although there really isn't a height requirement, or a gender requirement for that matter. Ya gotta have a theme, no?

Anyway, your spiciness makes up for any lack of height, so make sure you bring your most comfortable shoes. It's gonna be a long ride. Especially once Greenpa starts talking.

Greenpa - I hope you are a crack shot. We don't want any Dick Cheney style hunting accidents. I'm pretty medically savvy and can probably do a bang up job removing all the buckshot "accidentally" displaced into Sharon's backside, but we do need to be careful.

Sharon - I was going to add on Aaron, but I wasn't sure of what mad wagon skillz he possessed. Greenpa will probably need some man company.

Verde - Of course, you all are welcome on the wagon train... if you can keep up!

DC said...

Crunchy, I agree that Greenpa is a good resource, but you do realize that he'll pimp out your wagon, don't you?

Anonymous said...

OK, the pimped-out wagon just made my morning a little bit brighter. Is it mandatory to bring a Canada goose on the wagon? 'Cause I hear they bite.

jewishfarmer said...

Hey, how come I'm the one who gets shot in the ass? Sweet, non-controversial, bringin'-folks-together, tiny assed me?

Y'know I come from dedicated easterners, the sort of people, who, when everyone was going west said "Hey, it is fucking freezing, the ground is made up of rocks and people say "ayuh" but, on the other hand, there's clam chowder and not sitting on a wagon for six months getting blisters in your backside."

Maybe my genome has something to teach me.


Chile said...

DC, that's too funny. You have to go see the post I just put up on the wagon team. How did you know?!

Greenpa said...

Rest easy, Sharon, there's a vanishingly small chance of my shooting anyone in the ass. My track record is clear: number of asses shot so far in my life=0.

I'll strive to see that La Crunch is not allowed to play with the firearms. Then, things could get risky, as "going off half cocked" is in her résumé, paragraph 2.

DC- cracked me up. thanks. :-)
You may want to get the parking wheel up on the potty wagon, though.

Crunchy Domestic Goddess said...

that's hilarious. :) off to read more about turning shit into gold.

Carla said...

Thanks for the entertainment, you guys - I LUV you bloggers!! But since I have to pick some wagon mates, I think I'll stick close to the 45th Parallel for most of my team: Kathie @ Two Frog Home (nw MT), Melinda @ Elements in Time (Seattle), Laura at (not so) Urban Hennery (north of Seattle), and since this is Crunch's idea & she's already filled her own wagon, I'm going to reach south and snag Lil Ms Green Bean from the Bay area just cause she's so cute & she has a bike like mine! And if any of them can't make it, I'll have to slide No Impact Man in as a replacement.

DC said...

"My track record is clear: number of asses shot so far in my life=0."

I think there are some deer and other game that might disagree with that statement, but Sharon will probably be okay as long as she wears bright orange and doesn't bring her raccoon skin cap.

"You may want to get the parking wheel up on the potty wagon, though.

I figured that with all the blogging going on during the trip, everyone would forget to put the wheel up until, say . . . Kansas. I also assume that the parking break will be left on the entire journey and that the cable will snap when the trailer is parked next to a deep ravine, sending the world's first and only porta-potty house into oblivion. A thousand years later, archaeologists will find its remains and conclude that ancient Americans lived in tiny one room houses with lots of buckets.

And speaking of buckets, if you're going to store food inside the potty trailer, make sure you don't get your buckets confused.

Cheap Like Me, the Canadian goose is mandatory. It is there to the eat eat the ticks off of Chile's lazy, flatulent dog.

Crunchy Chicken said...

For those of you who just can't get enough of the Project Covered Wagon shenanigans, make sure you check out the silliness going on over at Chile's blog...

She's hitching up her own team and I'm planning a wild west style smackdown.

Chile said...

And if ya'll will closely examine Crunchy's picture, you'll see she cheated and snuck in a 6th person. Obviously, they want the girl for slave labor! Guess who's cleaning out the outhouse?

Sam said...

This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

Crunchy Chicken said...

Chile, git yer damn dog, Fartsy, off my wagon! We only need one critter on the coach that's full of hot air.

And since you've already stated you don't want Greenpa on your ride, we can't arrange a trade.

Speaking of cheating, I'm pretty sure you broke all the rules in assembling your crew.

Chile said...

Hey, don't yell at me. DC's the one who kidnapped her and put her on your wagon. Troublemaker!

Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules! This is the Wild West.

DC said...

Chile, I usually try to remain officially neutral in these sort of disputes, as I did in the east coast-west coast hip hop rivalry. However, I am not going to sit here and be your patsy. Fartsy got on Crunchy's wagon of her own free will -- I had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

I will say that there were originally two geese on the top of the wagon (you always need a backup tick eater, ya know), and that a doggie bowl of goose liver pâté mysteriously appeared in the front of Crunchy's wagon about the same time that the backup goose disappeared. To protect the innocent (the Soviets, the mafia, aliens, etc.), I won't engage in wild speculation on how that bowl got there or whether it contained the remains of Dickey (the name of the AWOL goose -- all resemblances to names of current U.S. Vice Presidents are purely coincidental). I will say, categorically, that I had nothing to do with any of this and that there have been unconfirmed reports from "sources" that Fartsy's gas has had, shall we say, less than a vegan odor to it recently.

Leila Abu-Saba said...

Woah - you are six feet tall? SHARON is six feet tall? *I* am six feet tall. Now Sharon and I have noticed that we have quirky weird things in common, like sons with issues born within months of each other, both named Elias. Now you're telling me that we are all in the Two Yards Club?

That is so cool. Nice to see you, stretch!

April said...

Damn Sistah, I got SKILZ! I could, um, like, maybe be the trail boss, cuz I can give wicked orders. I could also french braid the horse's tail and, and, and, and I could totally be the idea person. I'll need someone else to follow through on my plans, but still, it's my ideas that start the dreams that do come true.

ps, I'm honored that you chose me. Was it just to make you feel good about your big self?

Anonymous said...

Who gets to ride my wagon? What fun! On the crazy OrganicMania wagon is: Jessica from SurelyYouNest, because she's the only person I know who does as much research as me! Between the two of us, we'd lay out an eco-friendly trail. Then there would be Expat Chef, because she would make sure we were well fed! I'd want La Marguerite along because she would challenge us to think Deep Thoughts. And finally, Sher from WrekeHavoc because she always makes me laugh.

Celebrity edition? I'll have to give that some thought. I don't much care for celebrities!

Rechelle said...

Um... hello? hello? I am a WAY better choice than my sister April because I am not so bossy and get along better in group situations. Also I work in a Garden Center?!?!? Hello!! I could point out all the penny mac hydrangeas along the way. Clearly you need to rethink this a bit. Also I would make us all stop at every General Store along the way for some good ole recreational shopping and to load up with non-essentials.