Blog Update!
For those of you not following me on Facebook, as of the Summer of 2019 I've moved to Central WA, to a tiny mountain town of less than 1,000 people.

I will be covering my exploits here in the Cascades, as I try to further reduce my impact on the environment. With the same attitude, just at a higher altitude!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Letter to my pumpkin plants

Mr. and Mrs. Pumpkin Plants
Ye Olde Backyard Pumpkin Patch
Seattle, WA 98117

July 20, 2010

Dear pumpkin plants,

I went out this morning hoping to assist you in your annual mating ritual. Well, let's be frank - I had every intention of fingering you in order to maximize pumpkin production. But, alas, you are only producing male flowers. Now, I am just as much a fan of penises as the next person, but why? This is no way to procreate. You know, go forth and spread seed and such.

Please, step it up and produce some lady bits for me to rub your buttery orange powdery goodness on.

Head Gardener


Natalie, the Chickenblogger said...

Why does this happen?
Fortunately we are seeing she flowers and he flowers this year, and so I have been dabbling in their pumpkin love making!

utahlawyer said...

My pumpkin plants seem to put out a lot of male flowers for weeks before putting out female flowers. Then the ratio of male flowers to female flowers is about 10 to 1. Even though I also hand pollinate my pumpkins, about half of the baby pumpkins shrivel up anyway.

MLH said...

What seeds are you using? I've heard that many commercial seeds are genetically engineered to produce way more male flowers than female flowers. It's the seed company's way of keeping your business. Heirloom seeds might work better for future crops.

Robj98168 said...

Pervert. Pumpkin pervert at that.

mudnessa said...

My loofahs only have female flowers, not going to get any good loofahs that way. Wonder what would happen if I use my male cucumber flowers!

Greenpa said...

utahlawyer is a good observer. The pattern of "Males first" is common in the plant world (though far from universal). Possibly because male flowers are less of a commitment; gives the plant more time to grow roots and leaves, but still provides some chance of reproducing.

Greenpa said...

oh, and incidentally, Crunch; the gratuitous titillation is appreciated. :-)

Chile said...

It's time to break out the squash blossom recipes!

Sidonie said...

Hey, at least you got your plants to the flowering stage....this has been the worst year ever for the turning yellow, then brown, then dying...disease...what ever it is called. No squash, pumpkin, or melon...just a butload of cukes...still, homemade garlic dills, the bomb...but I WOULD have loved some pumpkin...

Laura said...

The Safari browser on my iPhone crashed when I opened this post, it is that good.
Sorry to hear that you have an over abundance of pumpkin peni. Maybe some sparkly garden art, smooth jazz or a few beeswax candles lit to entice the lady flowers to bloom?