Good lord, I can't wait to see what kind of Google traffic this post drives to my blog.
I've been a little disappointed with my bee friends this summer. Many a sugar pie pumpkin baby has not been pollinated this year, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I've done this before and it always makes me feel a little dirty to be fingering my pumpkin plants, but I wanted to share with you how to hand-pollinate your plants if nature isn't taking its course, so to speak. This works with plants that have male and female flowers such as cucumbers, zucchinis and pumpkins. You know, squashes and whatnot.
First of all, put on some music to put them in the mood. Maybe a little Barry White. Next, some scented candles would be nice. If you're desperate, a little pumpkin porn might work. Now in your best deep voice say, "Let's get it on..." Oh, wait.
On second thought, it's best to just find the requisite parts. Find a flower that has male parts. This will be easy as it looks like, well, a male part. In other words, a pumpkin penis. (Okay, sure, sure it's really called a stamen, but this isn't biology class for Christsakes.)
Now, locate a flower with female parts. This is not exactly a replica of the human female anatomy, but once you see it you'll figure it out. Soft, a little wet and swollen. Jesus, this is getting graphic. If you're real confused the female has a baby pumpkin at the base of the flower.
Feel free to talk to your pumpkins as you do this, it might make it easier. An "excuse me" here and there would be appropriate. You can use something else for this process, but I prefer using my hand.
With the thumb and forefinger gently rub the penis until your fingers are covered with pollen. Now's a good time to whisper something to it. If you want to talk naughty to your plants, that's your business, I don't want to hear about it.
Rub the pollen on the female flower parts. You'll feel how silky it is, so be gentle. Just keep rubbing until all the pollen is on it. Find another male/female combo and go at it again. It's somewhat addictive but just remember, there is no pumpkin sex addiction hotline so try to control yourself. Each plant can really only support 4 to 6 pumpkins so you probably don't want to pollinate too many.
So, there you go! Go forth and hand-pollinate.