Behavior Intervention Plan general goals

I've spent a little too much time this last week talking with the school, the principal and the special educators and the teachers. This week we met to nail down a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) to help deal with some of the behavioral issues my son has been having at school, most directly related to his anxiety, OCD and avoidance of difficult tasks/situations.

Anyway, I wrote up ten goals that I wanted to make sure were addressed in the BIP. Primarily, I wanted my son to have a positive behavior support plan that provides him an environment where he can achieve.

When I met with the general ed teachers and special ed teachers yesterday, one of them stated how much she really liked what I scoped out and printed it out for use for all her students' BIP planning. I know few of my regular readers have any need for this, but I thought I'd share it for those of you out on the Interwebs who need similar guidance.

The goals of the Behavior Intervention Plan are that it:

1. is proactive rather than reactive
2. addresses and outlines the root causes of the student's behavior, focusing on the interpersonal and environmental triggers (attention seeking, avoidance, anxiety provoking, difficult tasks)
3. minimizes the above triggers
4. identifies adaptive skills for each type of trigger - how to coach student on how to behave differently with concrete examples; breaking problem tasks down into smaller, more manageable "chunks"
5. teaches adaptive skills so when student does encounter a trigger he knows what to do
6. reinforces the adaptive skills throughout the day before he encounters a trigger
7. looks at the effectiveness of consequences imposed - do they meet the goals laid out above? does it review the event and how he could have behaved differently?
8. instills trust in adults at school and provides a safe environment for him and others
9. provides a system for earning points as motivator for appropriate behavior / making good choices and one that also rewards for changing "unexpected" behavior to "expected" behavior
10. provides a streamlined method of communication of points earned to parents for extrinsic reward

I'll be back to regular posting here once things settle down on the homefront.

Homeschooling versus Unschooling

Henry has been having more and more problems at school and we are really at our wits end with what to do to accommodate him. His school is too. I usually get a call from school 2 - 4 times a week letting me know something has gone badly. I'm not sure if modifications for his behavioral issues will suffice for much longer. Our other option is to transfer him to a school with a dedicated classroom for kids with special needs. Without getting into too many details, the idea of homeschooling has come up yet again.

When my son was born, I was enthralled with the idea of homeschooling. I read a ton of books about the benefits of homeschooling, the different methodologies, the issues and the like. I loved the concept of a classical education and the idea that content could be catered to a child's interests and focus. Needless to say, I was more interested in secular homeschooling and I was happy to see a lot of support in our area for that (groups and the like), including support programs in our public schools for homeschoolers.

All that said, our children go to public school. It all came down to a few things: personality and loss of income. However, we are lucky in that our public elementary school uses some of the curriculum that I would use at home - Saxon and Singapore Math and Junior Great Books for reading. They are able to provide an environment that I certainly couldn't do on my own, as well as services they need. At least, so far.

But, one thing I never could wrap my brain around was the concept of unschooling. Basically, unschooling is centered on allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play and social interaction rather than through a more traditional school curriculum. All of this is facilitated by adults.

I really like the theory behind unschooling, but I don't believe that children would learn everything that I personally think is important to be able to make certain life choices later. In other words, it doesn't provide them with the toolset to do certain things as an adult. I wouldn't want to restrict my children's ability to do anything they wanted to do later in life and that's what unschooling appears to do from my perspective. And, before any panties get twisted, I'm referring mainly to later career choices in math and hard sciences or anything that requires a significant foundation of knowledge.

What do you think of unschooling? For those unschoolers out there, why did you choose unschooling instead of more "traditional" homeschooling?

Parenting Special Needs Kids - 5 Truths

Parenting, in and of itself, is undoubtedly difficult. If you are one of those lucky parents that has the easy kids (and, by easy, I mean neurologically and behaviorally normal), it's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Someone whose child or children don't behave or react normally.

Last week's multitude of events around here brought into high relief once again that the job of a parent with a kid with multiple issues is vastly more difficult. So, if you are on the inside looking out with me or on the outside looking in, here are some things I've learned.

1. You will lose most, if not all, your friends. It's often just too difficult to maintain relationships with people when your own child/ren behave outside the norm. Especially if your friends have "normal" kids. Most parents are super busy, trying to juggle a number of things. Adding to the mix the constraints your special needs child requires just makes outings, meals, get-togethers, etc. extra difficult. Sure, they may throw you a bone once in a while, but don't expect much beyond that.

2. You will be blamed. Unless your child has some obvious physical deformity, any behavioral issue will be placed squarely on the shoulders of the parents. It, of course, has nothing to do with the child's own inability to handle certain circumstances. It, therefore, must be the parent's poor job of raising that child.

3. Behaviors will be blown out of proportion. Any out-of-the-ordinary behavior will not be analyzed based on the child's underlying inability to handle a situation. No, other adults (even specialists), will assume your child's reaction or behavior means they will become a mass-murderer or is just plain dangerous.

4. Your other children will suffer. I generally get the old, "your daughter is gaining so much by learning to interact with your son". I just wish she didn't have to deal with any of the outbursts, whackings and limitations in pretty much everything we do.

5. You will be afraid. You will be afraid for your child. And, in some circumstances, you will be afraid of your child. This is probably the worst part - not knowing whether or not those behaviors will progress to something worse. The big problem is, you never know if those dimwits in #3 are right.

Do you have kids with special needs and, if so, do you experience something similar?

Preparing your body for pregnancy

A reader sent me an email the other day asking for some help on preparing her body for pregnancy. She's planning on getting pregnant in 5 - 6 months and wanted to know which toxins to avoid and what to get rid of so she's not harboring dangerous toxins that could potentially affect her baby.

I cooked up a quickie list of things that I would do if I could do it all over again and I thought I'd share them with you.

Top 10 Toxin-Free Tips for Getting for Your Body Ready for Baby

1. Don't eat anything remotely containing mercury or arsenic, which means pretty much all fish.
2. Eat as much organic as possible (especially meat and dairy), and strictly avoid the pesticide-laden "Dirty Dozen" and avoid anything with artificial colorings
3. Drink filtered water and install a shower filter to reduce inhaled chlorine exposure
4. Avoid any cosmetics of questionable origin, particularly any nail polishes, even if they don't contain DBP, tuolene and the other well known nasty ingredients - there are still plastics and solvents
5. Avoid any body care product that contains parabens or fragrance or parfum
6. Get rid of anything containing a non-stick coating or PVC in the house, that includes wrinkle-free, stain resistant and water repellent clothes
7. Try to get only organic baby clothes and bedding. I know it's expensive but recent studies showed there are a ton of formaldehydes in the products that don't wash out and that's not even including the required flame retardants in children's sleepwear.
8. If you're planning on painting the baby's room or otherwise remodeling, choose non-toxic paint, flooring, non-vinyl shades, etc. for you and the baby
9. Choose baby furniture made with real wood and not off-gassing pressboard materials
10. Finally, once the baby is here, be vigilant about the baby care products you use - even the "clean and natural" stuff can contain nasty ingredients. Also avoid soft plastic toys - they all invariably contain PVC

A few extra notes - if you are planning on losing weight or doing some sort of food detox program now, just know that these actions will mobilize toxins out of your body tissues (mostly fat) and circulate them where they'll hang around for a while before being excreted or reabsorbed. So, if you do either, give your body enough time to process the extra toxin load in your blood before bombarding a baby with it.

And, yes, that is me, pregnant with Emma back in 2003.

No child left inside

One thing that's difficult to do as parents is to make sure that your kids not only get enough exercise, but to make sure they get enough time and opportunity to play outside. If you live in a more rural area with access to green spaces or you have a lot of parks or natural areas the problem is oftentimes more a battle against sedentary activities, such as watching television, movies and playing video games, that are so pervasive in our culture.

One way of raising the next generation of environmentalists (I like to call them "stewards of nature"), is to expose your kids early and often to not just the outside, but to the wonder of all the life that teems around us outside the safe bubble of our modern homes.

We try to get our kids outside, but aren't always successful, especially with the wet and rainy weather around here. One thing we like to do is take them down to the beach for low tide. We generally find sea stars, crabs, moon snails, sea anemones by the hundreds, tube worms and lots of other animals.

Now, these are not the spectacular Seaworld style mammals that bring in the crowds, but the everyday critters that inhabit the beaches around here. These are the LBJs of the sea.

If all we do is wow our kids with sea otter tricks, jumping killer whales and stories of deadly sharks and eels, how do they garner respect for the little guys whose lives make those farther up the food chain possible?

I am hoping that with exposure, coupled with education, my kids will learn to enjoy and respect nature and all that it contains and will strive to protect it as well when they are adults.

For those of you parents, or parents-to-be who are interested in reading more, check out Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder.

Or just take your kids outside and let them explore. Something as mundane (or disgusting, depending on your take) as a half-eaten fish head, opens up a world of wonder to a child.

What do you do to encourage your child explore the natural world? Camping, trips to the beach?

Stupid comments about special needs parenting

I'd like to think that people are well meaning when they dispense their parenting advise on how to better manage my child who has Aspergers, OCD, ADHD, panic, anxiety, sensory processing and tic disorders. Needless to say, this grouping of behavioral issues makes life difficult for him and, in turn, for us. And, apparently, for those unfortunate people who have to bear witness to it all.

Here are my top 5 "favorite" suggestions, which are really just criticisms of what we are doing wrong:

1. You should spank him. Really? Do you think he wants to behave the way he does? Do you think that hurting him physically will make him change his behavior or just make him more upset and confused? Generally his hyper-focus makes it difficult for him to switch gears. If that's not the issue, his behavior is a result of him not understanding what he should be doing in the situation or is a way of trying to control his environment to reduce his anxiety. Hitting him will only make him more anxious and confused.

2. You should make him eat all his food. He has a fear of swallowing and a phobia of eating certain foods. For him, trying to have the most relaxed and supportive environment is the best way to reinstill a positive relationship surrounding food.

3. Don't give him whatever he wants to eat, he won't starve himself. Um, yes he will. Fear and panic trumps hunger every. single. time. See #2 as far as how establishing a positive relationship with food goes.

4. You give him too many choices. Just tell him to do it. Having controlled choices that he can decide helps give him control over his environment and reduces his anxiety and still gets him to do what we need.

5. Don't let him wear those old clothes. He looks like he's homeless. Having sensory processing disorder, OCD and anxiety means that he feels safe when he wears certain clothing. Taking that away from him only makes him feel anxious - transitioning him to new clothes is the more desired method. Making fun of him and berating him will not help. At all. But it will make me want to strangle you.

Unschooling - what do you think?

When my son was born, I was enthralled with the idea of homeschooling. I read a ton of books about the benefits of homeschooling, the different methodologies, the issues and the like. I loved the concept of a classical education and the idea that content could be catered to a child's interests and focus. Needless to say, I was more interested in secular homeschooling and I was happy to see a lot of support in our area for that (groups and the like), including support programs in our public schools for homeschoolers.

All that said, our children go to public school. It all came down to a few things (without going into too much detail): personality and loss of income. However, we are lucky in that our public elementary school uses some of the curriculum that I would use at home - Saxon and Singapore Math and Junior Great Books for reading. They are able to provide an environment that I certainly couldn't do on my own, as well as services they need.

But, one thing I never could wrap my brain around was the concept of unschooling. Basically, unschooling is centered on allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play and social interaction rather than through a more traditional school curriculum. All of this is facilitated by adults.

I really like the theory behind unschooling, but I don't believe that children would learn everything that I personally think is important to be able to make certain life choices later. In other words, it doesn't provide them with the toolset to do certain things as an adult. I wouldn't want to restrict my children's ability to do anything they wanted to do later in life and that's what unschooling appears to do from my perspective. And, before any panties get twisted, I'm referring mainly to later career choices in math and hard sciences or anything that requires a significant foundation of knowledge.

Good Morning America just did a piece on unschooling. I got the impression they had an strong opinion about it before the interviews and were trying to confirm their pre-conceived ideas about it with the families they chose. They report that 150,000 kids in the U.S. are unschooled.

What do you think of unschooling? For those unschoolers out there, why did you choose unschooling instead of more "traditional" homeschooling? The families that GMA covers do radical unschooling which extends their unschooling ideas to their parenting and they have no rules. Is this common?

Photo by Tup Wanders. Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/tupwanders/83092660

Do you have a favorite child?

A question came up the other day that I thought was an interesting one. If you have more than one child, do you have one that is a favorite? Alternatively, if you have siblings, did your parents favor one child over another?

I thought about this, but it didn't take too long. I don't have a favorite child. I love them both immensely and enjoy being with them for totally different reasons. Their personalities are so different, yet so similar at the same time. It's hard to put into words exactly what I love so much about each one of them, but I just know that I don't have a favorite. Sure, they both alternatively irritate me (or both at the same time) and I wish one were more like the other, but when you get down to it, I wouldn't change that. Okay, maybe a few personality quirks.

As for my three brothers and I, I'd have to say that we were all favorites for different reasons. I was a favorite because I was the only girl, my oldest brother for being first born and for being born premature, my second oldest brother for being the brilliant, easy golden child and my third oldest brother for being the youngest boy. We were all favored for different reasons, so I'd have to conclude that none of us were the favorite. Although my brothers would argue that I was probably the favorite, but that's because they didn't see it from my point of view.

What about you? Do you have a favorite child? Or were you the favorite growing up?

Leaving kids home alone

The topic came up the other day, mostly related to a disagreement about how to spend the day and our ill-fated trip to the Seattle Art Museum, about what is an appropriate age when kids can be left home alone. I grew up a latch-key child. You see, when my father left and took my three brothers with him, it was just my mom and I left in a 6 bedroom house out in the burbs.

My mom had just started working as a nurse and I got out of school hours before she got home from work. So, I was given a key and dropped off via carpool (I went to a private Catholic school) and was left to my own devices until she came home. I was a little over 9-years-old. Eventually, that changed and I walked to my Dad's new house, which was only a few blocks away from school, and hung out with my brothers (they are all older than I ranging from 1 year to 6 years older) until my mom came and picked me up after work. I'm fairly certain this was an every day occurrence until I started 9th grade and walked to and from middle school back home.

Nine was definitely too young for me, and I remember being left alone when I was 8 as well, but that was occasional. Being home alone really was unnerving for me particularly since I didn't really have too many neighbors around to keep an eye out for me. I'm glad I had an alternative to go to after school as I really didn't enjoy being home alone in a huge house. It was scary for me and I spent the time totally unproductively, watching TV and eating crap. Well, not real crap, just junk.

When I look at my almost 8-year-old son today, I know he wouldn't be ready to be alone for that long day after day, but then again, he pretty much can operate on his own for hours on end without interacting with us. However, I think that's only because we are in the house and he feels comfortable because of that fact. On the other hand, I would also trust him to be alone for 30 minutes or an hour if I needed to go out and do something. This has never happened - I don't think I've ever even left him in the car alone for more than 3 minutes. So, I always wonder - what's appropriate?

Some states have laws about what the minimum age you can leave a child home alone is. Georgia makes it pretty clear what the law is. Between the ages of 9 and 12, you can leave a child alone for up to two hours. Age 12 and up, no more than 12 hours at a time. In South Carolina, there are no set laws, but officials say no child under 8 should be left alone. Other states have no set laws at all.

I found some statistics that were really interesting. The most recent U.S. Census report shows that 7 million of the nation's 38 million children ages 5 to 14 are left home alone regularly. For example:

• 600,000 5- to 8-year-olds fend for themselves.
  
• 3.4 million children are under the care of siblings.
  
• The average time "home alone" is 6 hours per week.
  
• Higher-income parents are more likely to leave kids unsupervised.

So, what about you? How old were your children when you left them home alone? Or, alternatively, how old will your children be when you plan on letting them stay alone?

How old were you when you were left home alone? I know it really depends on the child's personality, but are we over-cautious these days or has not much changed in the last 40 years?

Slow parenting

My kids started off this morning like in a scene from a barroom brawl. Words were spoken, insults were tossed and it ended in milk being thrown across the kitchen at each other. No, there were no glass milk bottles broken off at the stem, but a quick intervention was needed. As the director of Mission: Sustainable quipped on my Facebook page, it was like "Roadhouse-lite". Indeed.

It's been downhill all day. Needless to say, the short school day didn't help (why do they have off every other day and half-days the rest of the time, tell me?). The afternoon escalated into messing up one person's room and screaming from the affected party. I, on the other hand, was trying to sleep on the couch since I felt like crap. So, in my not-so-finer moments, I barked instructions from the living room to help placate the problem.

The nuttiness has been going on pretty much all day. Approximately 5 Lego sets were taken away for the remainder of the week. I can't say it helped immediately, but it made me feel slightly better.

Parenting can be particularly difficult. We've been trying to eliminate the yelling as it becomes a habit that is not only hard to break, but one that is the only effective method that works. The kids tend to escalate and can't hear or respond to anything except outright screaming. I hate it. I don't think any parent in that position likes it or feels good about it.

I've been trying to employ more "slow parenting" techniques. I really have no idea what that actually means, but the intent is to slow down and not get too overwhelmed by the craziness that is having children. So, while I may not be totally successful in my interactions with the kids, I am certainly more mindful of my responses, even if I don't always achieve optimal success.

What about you parents out there? Have you found a happy medium in dealing with the kids? Or do you fantasize about putting them up in a listing on Craigslist?

Skipping green gifts for the kids

I have to admit, I don't buy green gifts for my kids. It ends up being a complete waste of money since I have yet to find anything they like and they won't play with them, so it ends up a huge waste. I've learned to not push them or myself on gift giving holidays and just give in to what they actually want.

What do I do instead? Well, we limit the number of toys the kids get in return for getting what they want, craptastic, plastic, Hecho en China and all. Books are another story, I'm willing to spend more on whatever books they want, but we inevitably end up getting the vast majority of our books from the library anyway, so that's kind of a non-issue. So, it's a parade of Lego toys, Bakugan or whatever suits their current fancy.

I figure I make up for the consumption in other ways and don't sweat my decision. It's certainly not my preference, but after 7+ years of doing this, I know what works and what doesn't. Even when the kids were very young, they always preferred the bright shiny plastic toys over the carefully selected, non-toxic toys made of natural materials that I bought for them. I sure liked them, but since I was the only one playing with them, it didn't make a whole lot of sense to continue buying them.

It is a little easier when the kids are younger since you have a lot more control over what's available to them in their environment. But as they get older and exposed to other kids, media and advertising, they start exerting their own preferences and it can become a huge battle. One that I'm not willing to take on.

So, what do you do about holiday gift giving for kids? Do you stick to your guns and only give them environmentally friendly toys? Or do you give them what they want (regardless of its impact) and just limit what they get?

Forced background checks for IVF

Well, it appears that a new state law in Australia now requires a background check for couples wanting to undergo IVF treatment (aka in vitro fertilization - a treatment to help deal with infertility).

The requirements were included in the Reproductive Treatment Bill passed by State Parliament last December. This bill helped paved the way for single women and lesbians to have access to IVF. That, in and of itself, is an outrage showing the amazing discrimination being shown to these women.

But, that's not all! This law apparently covers heterosexual couples as well. So, now these people can be discriminated against for being infertile. The new law will affect approximately 5,000 couples a year who will have to submit to police checks ensuring they are fit to be parents.

Briony and Lew Sanelle, who completed police checks three weeks ago so they could start trying to have their second child through IVF, said they were insulted by the discrimination.

"My friends trying to have babies don't have to have a police check and go and talk to their doctor before they are given the go-ahead to have a baby, so why should I?" Ms Sanelle said.

"People who have a shady past who they are trying to direct this at do not have to go through this to conceive naturally... this is discrimination."

So, this begs the question: if it's comprehensible to even pass such a law, what does that mean for the population at large? Should all individuals have to pass a background check before they are allowed to procreate?

Should couples/individuals have to pass a police background check before receiving IVF services?

Parenting a special needs child

Yesterday was Autism Awareness Day and the following post is a bit of a departure from my usual writings. I wanted to share with you the struggles we've had in raising a bright, loving, wonderful child with special needs.

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"I can't do this anymore!" I screamed, as I threw the breast pump flange at the door where my husband was standing. I was exhausted, stressed, terrified and sick of pumping and trying to feed my son every two hours around the clock. I had been crying every day for the previous two weeks, hormones raging post-partum and generally out-of-control. The shock of going into labor 4 weeks early, coupled with non-stop doctor visits, consults with lactation specialists and the fear and disappointment of being told that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my son was taking its toll.

My son was born premature and that defined every moment of our lives for months afterwards. His start to life was a rough one filled with tube feeding, light therapy and some serious swaddling to keep the sensory input low. We knew fairly early on that he had some problems dealing with his environment as he never let us put him down and he would never let a caregiver out of his sight or he would scream mercilessly until the offending person returned.

I had wanted to follow attachment parenting with him and, fortunately, many of the techniques seemed to suit him perfectly. We coslept until he was 17 months old (when my daughter was born). We carried him around in a sling, whether we wanted to or not. He would only sleep during the day in the sling and refused to be put down. I breastfed him for a year and, even though I returned to work during the day part-time, he refused to take a bottle. Ever. He would rather hold out until I got home and end up nursing all night long to make up for it.

We thought these were just sensory issues from being premature or bad habits we couldn't break him from, but the look of suspicion he constantly had on his face as he peered out of the sling showed to us that he had a highly sensitive and anxious personality. Traits we hoped he would outgrow as he matured. Yet when he was old enough to interact with other children, he would avoid them, clearly afraid of their noise, in-your-face movements and unpredictable actions. He didn't know how to interact with them and he much preferred adults that were more easy-going and predictable.

At parties, he always clung on to us, afraid to move out of his comfort zone, preferring to watch from the sidelines rather than participate. It was just too much for him. I searched endlessly for explanations of his behavior, not really ever getting anywhere concrete. He didn't appear to have autism since he didn't exhibit some of the more classic traits - he made eye contact and was extremely verbal.

In fact, he had a tremendously large vocabulary by age two, high comprehension and advanced verbal skills. His motor skills, on the other hand, were quite lacking. He could sit up at the normal age range, but he never crawled, he went straight from sitting to standing/walking at 12 months. Since he was always so intently studying whatever he was playing with, it was if he didn't need to bother with moving about. Many people commented on his abilities of concentration and interest in something for long periods of time.

His anxiety and discomfort with the world around him became more apparent as we took him on outings and he became terrified of anything large that moved, was noisy or was unpredictable. We quickly learned that going places like the zoo, science museums, and really any large venue was so uncomfortable for him that they became off-limits and we stuck to the sanctuary and safety of the house. It was just too exhausting to do otherwise. He was miserable on these outings and we, in turn, were frustrated and disappointed with these attempts.

We muddled along like this for years, avoiding sending him to preschool for fear that the school environment would be too much for him to bear, and helping him learn to interact with his younger sister, of whom he had much animosity and jealousy. He was able to remember in amazing detail events that had happened years before, showing an ability to recall information that most kids that age lack. He was also extremely adept at perceiving other's emotions and excessively sensitive to those who exhibited sadness or fear, yet unable to identify those same emotions in himself.

When we did finally send him to Montessori preschool with his sister when he was 4/5 (we figured he would do better with her there with him), his difficult behaviors became even more apparent. Initially, he had major separation anxiety and issues participating in group activities like circle time. It was too overwhelming for him. He clearly wanted to befriend some of the boys his age, but he just didn't know how and his lack of ability at expressing himself emotionally and communicating with others made him frustrated and act out. This generally resulted in him hitting or biting. Oftentimes these behaviors erupted out of the blue simply because he got so overstimulated.

I lived in fear every day of the preschool calling for us to pick him up, or reporting that he hit another child, or bit someone or caused some other panic. Another issue was his potty talk, particularly when he became anxious. I dreaded the day I would get a call that he would be kicked out of preschool, but fortunately, that call never came. The school was willing to help intervene and see if there were accommodations they could make for him. They recommended having a public health nurse come and observe him in the classroom and make some suggestions, which ended up being somewhat helpful but they certainly didn't make many of the problems go away.

By this time, I was suspecting that something more than just anxiety was going on. His disinterest in kids and inability to interact with them were clearly flags. The nurse had recommended getting OT to deal with the sensory issues he was having and we got on the 6 month waiting list for that to begin. In the meantime, I arranged to have him seen by a pediatric neurologist for assessment. Given all the behavioral traits he was exhibiting I was fairly sure he had Aspergers, or high functioning autism.

It was another long wait to see the neurologist and we didn't get an appointment until the third week of Kindergarten. By then, he was already experiencing severe and debilitating behavioral and emotional issues with the transition to school. He was eventually diagnosed with a tic disorder, OCD, ADHD, anxiety and sensory disorder and was started on a medication to help with them. Again, the new school worked to help him and he made great improvements such that during his SIT meeting (Student Intervention Team), there was no recommendation for an IEP (Individual Education Plan) since he was doing so much better. The school year ticked on and, even though he still was having major social issues with the other students, he was managing okay. Behaviorally, at home, he was still extremely challenging and homework was an intense struggle.

Towards the end of his Kindergarten year, he started having more problems, this time with the OCD. He had experienced a few occasions where he had gagged on some food, the first time it was asparagus and the second on a tomato skin. He became obsessively worried that he would choke, to the point where he started refusing to eat or drink, fearing swallowing. He started losing weight and, even though I hoped this phase would pass, it was getting worse. We consulted with his doctor and eventually started having him see a psychologist to deal with the OCD and anxiety, doing cognitive behavior therapy as a treatment.

This last year, first grade has been both a lot better and a lot worse. He still has issues with hitting when frustrated or unable to express his desires. His anxiety was less at the beginning of the year but then he had a relapse with the OCD and eating, this time triggered by a bout of stomach flu and vomiting. He refused to eat and drink yet again and dropped weight quickly. When he finally started back to school again after winter break, his anxiety was extremely high and behaviorally, he was having more issues with his OCD becoming completely debilitating. It was absolutely miserable to watch.

We went back to the neurologist and he was started on another medication, this time for the OCD. No parent wants to medicate their child, but then again, no parent wants to watch their child waste away in front of them either, living in fear that you will have to admit your child because they are unable to cope with the world. The side-effects with SSRIs are always a little bit of a tradeoff, particularly as the patient is adjusting to the new medication.

"He seems much more relaxed and content at school and came back this week flawlessly." We initially were getting good reports from his teacher yet we struggled with the decision to keep him on the new medication because, while his anxiety is considerably lower and he's choosing to eat more food and a broader variety of food, the side effects are an increase in aggression and impulsivity and he's had more problems with getting in trouble at school for hitting.

A few months ago his teacher recommended another SIT meeting, this time because it has been difficult to assess what he is learning since he oftentimes refuses to participate in reading and is so rigid in his thinking that his writing exercises are unusual. This isn't surprising since he has obsessive thinking about whatever his current interest is, whether it be Legos, Egyptology or the like. All writing exercises end up being a variation on his fixation. At the SIT meeting we decided to pursue an IEP, to make sure that he would get access to whatever services would be helpful for him to succeed at school, most likely many of them being behaviorally based. He was already getting reading tutoring and doing a social skills club to learn how to interact and, basically, be a friend, but with a formal plan, those services would be enhanced, documented and carried with him from grade to grade.

We just recently finished the assessment process, with recommendations that he be tested for Aspergers, which comes as no surprise to me. The neurologist didn't think he had Aspergers, but he never did the formal, hours long testing. They also suggested having him tested for the advanced learning program, since he tested high in some subject areas and extremely high in spatial reasoning (98%). Must be all those Legos.

He still has coping issues with school as we try to find the right balance of medications and we've been dealing with the aggression issues as much as possible. Add to it the confrontations from parents of students who he is hitting and their thinly veiled threats don't exactly help the situation much. Between struggles at home and struggles at school, having a child with special needs is very emotionally and physically draining.

On the flip side, in spite of all our worries, our son is a tremendous joy, bringing an amazing intelligence, humor and perception into our lives. His intense interest and excitement is unmatched in most kids his age and, when he is in his element, he is unstoppable. His enthusiasm is contagious and his capacity for affection is enormous. I do worry for him and his future, as most parents do, but we can only do the best we can by him and advocate for him to make sure that he is as successful as he can be. He may not be considered "neurotypical", his brain wired a little differently, but then again, that is true for many of the greatest minds in history.

And, I hope that with patience, understanding and acceptance by students, parents and strangers, kids who struggle to operate in an oftentimes foreign world can achieve the great things they are meant to without being held back by ignorance or discrimination. So, on this day after Autism Awareness Day, I hope that the next time you or someone else sees a child acting up or acting differently, that you give both them and their parents the gift of understanding.

Birthday candle guilt

I feel like such a bad mom. We go out of our way to make homemade birthday cakes for the kids, and host creative, low-impact but high-fun birthday parties, yet I deprive the kids of birthday candles.

Why? Well, because, generally, birthday candles are a huge waste of resources, are made from paraffin (read: petroleum), have toxic wicks and aren't good for the environment. Sure, I want them to experience all the fun that other kids do, but last year, I just couldn't bring myself to do the birthday candle thing.

I felt bad, but there you go. I just couldn't do it. Maybe I am suffering from green psychosis. But, what's the point of letting your kids have fun when you are potentially poisoning them and the Earth in the process? Am I being hyper-vigilant or just controlling?

So, today, while I was looking for local flour in the baking foods section of my favorite local grocery store, I spied some beeswax birthday candles. Even though they cost more than the standard ones, I bought them, since these are the kind that will be used and reused as the occasion requires. And, now, this year I won't feel bad but excited about lighting those air purifying beeswax candles. Whew!

What things do you feel like you are depriving your kids of and what kind of substitute do you make, if any?

Scents of smell

This is a really off-topic sort of conversation, but it is something that has intrigued me ever since I had kids. No, I'm not referring to the heightened sense of smell you have when you are pregnant, although there is certainly something interesting in that from a biological adaptation standpoint. What I'm talking about is the baby and child's ability to identify their mother by smell.

This totally makes sense to me, particularly if you are breastfeeding. Your newborn, with its fuzzy vision, is able to identify you by your smell and I always assumed it was mostly based on compounds from lactation. But, I'm pretty sure it goes beyond that to actual personal body scent.

I know this sounds really strange, but my kids, who are nowhere near newborn age and I'm nowhere near lactating, are always identifying my objects (clothes, pillow, blankets, etc.) with a declaration of "smells like Mom". And it's always said with a real fondness and joy in their voices that makes me believe it doesn't smell like Mom in a bad way.

Last night, as I was cuddled on the couch reading to my son, he buried his nose in my chest and declared the "smells like Mom" thing again and then dove in for a more pronounced sniff, like he was breathing in a rose. It was a little strange, but mostly funny and I just couldn't get past this whole idea of scent recognition. His reaction was one of comfort and happiness as if my pits were some sort of calming elixir.

So, I started thinking about how individuals have their own smell. Yet, I can't really identify anyone from their body odor, except my Mom, even to this day. Now, we must either be stinky people or I am experiencing a throwback to something that had a real and biological purpose somewhere in our mammalian ancestry.

One article that I read last month in the New Scientist describes the secret signals in human sweat, which contains more than 2000 different compounds.

Pheromones are something of a sensitive subject in human biology. Though they are found across the animal world from insects to mammals, research into human pheromones has been dogged by flaky experimental designs and dubious commercial endorsements, with the result that the entire field has a whiff of the disreputable about it. "It's not so much that the jury is out, but that the jury has been dismissed before the trial has begun," says Mike Meredith, a neuroscientist at Florida State University in Tallahassee, who studies animal pheromones.

In recent years, though, this has begun to change. Evidence that animal pheromones don't always work in they way we thought, backed up by a growing number of brain-imaging studies in humans, is convincing some researchers that we really do make and respond to pheromones. As a result some think it's time to stop asking if human pheromones exist and start investigating exactly how they affect our behaviour.

The research into how we can smell fear in sweat is really fascinating and some have even commented on its ability to be used as a weapon, joking whether the military was planning to use pheromones to send people "stampeding like spooked cattle".

But while the scientists are still trying to figure out what role pheromones play in human scent communication, do you have any experience with identifying people by scent? If you have kids, do they sniff you out too?

Free range children

I ran across this website the other day, Free Range Kids, which espouses the virtues of letting your kids have a little more autonomy and the ability to run free. without parents monitoring their every move. Basically, have the same sort of childhood we had growing up.

I must admit, I love the idea, but it makes me nervous. Let's just say that my kids don't have nearly the same freedom I had growing up. I guess my justification is that I grew up in a very suburban area with lots of kids around and lots of stay at home parents and the only people in the neighborhood lived there. So, the risk of anything happening to us (aside from accidents) was small.

My husband grew up in rural Missouri so his experience was far more wild than mine, one that I can't really comprehend because, while I mostly ran around the neighborhood, hiding in the bushes and shrubbery and occasionally heading down to the wooded areas, he and his two brothers were romping through open fields, sampling every plant and weed around them. To this day they still joke about "eating bananas" and trying to defend themselves that they hadn't been out eating weeds. The whole while standing there with a large ring of green matter stained on their mouths.

I must also admit, that when we first moved to our new house I was appalled, aghast!, that the neighborhood kids all walked to school by themselves. Now, the school is about 2 blocks away and any child over 4 is more than capable of walking there themselves, but these were 2nd graders. But, they also had older siblings and neighbor friends they walked with so, really, how bad can it be?

I have improved slightly, and it helps that my kids are older (5 and 6), so I did let them play outside in the snow last month alone, out of sight, in the front yard. I told them to stay close, which they more or less did, although there were a number of times they wandered out of sight and needed to be corralled up. I just don't trust them yet to not run off somewhere. My mom, on the other hand, was concerned they'd be snatched up when she heard of our errant parenting. I assured her that if they did get snatched, they wouldn't make it around the block before they were dropped off right back where they started.

I think it's very important that kids spend a lot of time outdoors, in any weather. It doesn't also mean that they have to have a parent with them. Sure, they will get into trouble, just like we did, but how else will they learn about the natural world and their abilities in it?

Some might argue that the world is a different place and is more dangerous, scary, etc. but is it really? Do your kids have the same amount of freedom that you did growing up? Why or why not?

Related books:
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder
Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America
I Love Dirt!: 52 Activities to Help Your Kids Discover the Wonders of Nature

Homework: help or hassle?

The school district where my son goes to school has guidelines for how much homework students should have at night. For grades K-2, it's 10 minutes a day. His math homework alone is at least that (some days it's 3 pages of math drills).

Add in daily spelling plus phonics exercises or a book report and it's at least 20 minutes. On top of that, they are supposed to do 15 minutes of reading.

Needless to say, doing homework can be quite a struggle, particularly after school when there are other activities (mostly medical appointments) that push homework off until after dinner. And then we are looking at roughly 45 minutes of homework, including complaints, stalling and tantrums. I'm sure there is great benefit in doing the extra practice, drills and reading, but at what cost?

Some argue that homework only hinders the joy of learning and it has been found that homework in the elementary years does not actually make a difference in the child's achievement. On the contrary, homework tends to squash the child's natural interest in learning and it is recommended that extra reading be assigned only to pursue the child's other interests.

I really can't complain too much. But, when Emma starts school too, I don't know where I'll find the time to help them both out with their combined homework needs.

For those parents out there, what do you think about homework? How does it fare in your house? Do you feel that the extra work is helpful, or does it just end up putting extra stress on the family?

Related posts:
Back-to-school blues
What kids want

Related books:
The Case Against Homework: How Homework Is Hurting Children and What Parents Can Do About It
The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much of a Bad Thing
Closing the Book on Homework: Enhancing Public Education and Freeing Family Time (Teaching/Learning Social Justice)
The End of Homework: How Homework Disrupts Families, Overburdens Children, and Limits Learning
The Battle Over Homework: Common Ground for Administrators, Teachers, and Parents

No child left behind

In yesterday's post, someone commented on how not having children was one of the most environmentally friendly things a person could do and that those who didn't have kids really didn't need to do anything else for the environment.

One woman, Toni Vernelli, 35, who was sterilized when she was 28 states:

Having children is selfish. It's all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet. Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population.

Another couple that has chosen not to procreate believes:

[We] live as green a life a possible. We don't have a car, cycle everywhere instead, and we never fly. We recycle, use low-energy light bulbs and eat only organic, locally produced food. In short, we do everything we can to reduce our carbon footprint. But all this would be undone if we had a child. That's why [the husband] had a vasectomy. It would be morally wrong for us to add to climate change and the destruction of Earth.

What think ye? Is it morally wrong to have children?

Some have argued that if humans were to follow this line of thinking, then suicide, natural disasters and other catastrophes man-made or otherwise, no matter how devastating to the population, would be of benefit to the environment. Does thinking of man as a plague on the Earth send us down a slippery slope of treating people as pests?

At what point is it considered acceptable to reduce human population? Attrition only? Government restrictions a la China? What of wars over food and water? Who gets to decide the survivors? A panel of experts or survival of the fittest (and richest)?

Something happened at lunch recess

On Tuesdays, I pick my son up early from school to go to his weekly OT sessions. This week, on the ride up there, he proceeded to tell me how there was a stranger on the playground at lunch recess.

He described the person as a man wearing a black coat and a hood who was "mean and yelling at the kids". I asked him if he had seen this person before and he stated that no one knew who this was.

I asked him if they told an adult (there's supposed to be an adult supervisor on each "playscape" but sometimes they need to take a child into the office because of injury, etc. so you never know...) and he said the kids were too busy playing. This is a kindergartner reporting here, so accuracy can sometimes be sketchy. He mentioned something about the man talking to the kids about not wearing clothes, which got me a little concerned.

Now, normally I'm not exactly paranoid and my first gut instinct is that there's always some explanation for things but, since there was one recess left in the day I felt it wise to call the office and report this so they can be on the lookout for strangers. One other thing that made me a little suspicious is that the church a few blocks away is hosting a "tent city" for the homeless.

I know this makes me sound horribly prejudiced, and I frankly don't have a problem with them being nearby, but given my sons' rather insistent report I was wondering if one of the tenants had wandered down to the school. There are a lot of homeless people in Ballard and the occasional one can get somewhat aggressive. Just ask my Mom who was traumatically chased down the street by one of them last year.

Anyway, I dutifully called the school office and started telling the woman who answered the phone about my son's report of a strange man on the playground wearing a black coat with a hood who was yelling at the kids. I mentioned that this was coming from a kindergartner so I couldn't exactly vouch for the validity of this information. I didn't get to the "mean, acting crazy man" part as she cut me off with the response, "well, I think that was me."

Turns out, she was new and out on the playground, telling kids to put their coats on. My son, during this conversation, kept interrupting with "who are you talking to" and then finally "that sounds like the man who was telling the kids to put their coats on." Aha. Coats on. Not clothes off.

Needless to say, I was pretty damn embarrassed to have accused her of being a strange man on the playground. I felt like a crazy person, but she was totally cool about it. Of course, I didn't get far enough into the story to sound too nutty.

What would you have done? What's the most embarrassing thing your kids have gotten you into?

Brown baggin' it

If you are a parent, this may have a little more meaning for you, but everyone was a kid once. Unless you were homeschooled, you had to endure the business of "school lunch." You were either one of those brown-bagging kids or the kids that got money for lunch. Maybe you were lucky and had a choice.

How do these early habits translate into adult life? Do you still have the habit of bringing your own lunch, or was doing so as a child so traumatizing that you refuse to bring a sack lunch even now? If you got money for school lunch, are you still in the habit of buying every day or have you switched over to the "brown" side?

Oh my, I feel a poll coming on. And it's not even Sunday.

For your answer, select what you predominately did/do for both.



I'm interested to see (in this highly scientific poll, I might add) how early influence affects your adult behavior. If there's any correlation, then it could be argued, much to the chagrin of parents who provide lunch money, that sending kids to school with a bagged lunch might be setting up better healthy eating habits later.

Of course, if you pack the same nasty stuff they provide at school, then I guess it's a wash, but at least when you're old enough to pack your own food, maybe you'll make decent eating choices. And, you might remember to pack leftovers to save food waste!

And don't forget to use a reusable lunch bag.

Does anyone else remember space food sticks? My mom packed those in our lunches for while. I think she thought they were healthy for us. Aaah, memories...

Do you have any sack lunch food memory items that don't exist anymore?