Green Mother's Day gifts for the old lady

I've been seeing posts touting good suggestions for green gifts to give your mom for Mother's Day that have less of an environmental impact than traditional gifts. Unfortunately, most, if not all of the suggestions, just don't satisfy if your mother is an elderly curmudgeon.

I can just hear the complaints about the très chic Zulugrass jewelry and those sassy organic ballet flats. "How am I supposed to fit these things over my bunions? Plus, they don't have enough arch support. Are you trying to make me fall and break my hip again?" And, "You know I can't clasp this bracelet by myself!"

A weekend away at an organic spa won't fly with the old lady if she prefers to spend her days staring out the window, keeping an eye on the neighbors. For many, gift giving is wrought with insinuations and full of complaint landmines waiting to explode.

So, what do you get the crabby old lady who has everything? Since she's going to yell at you either way, you might as well get her something practical. And green. Here are my top five green gifts for the cranky old mom:

1. Homemade Ben-Gay: Soothe those arthritic hands with this homemade joint and muscle pain relief ointment made out of castor oil and chili oil. Mix 1 part chili oil to 10 parts castor oil. If she suffers from constipation, she can take a swig of it while she's at it. Just make sure you give it to her in an easy to open container. And leave a clear path to the toilet.

2. Nighttime organic cloth diapers: Speaking of toilet, don't stock up on synthetic, plastic lined adult diapers for Mom. Instead, spring for a set of comfy organic cotton cloth diapers for those nighttime accidents that leave both Mom and Dad grumpy the next day.

3. Give the gift of pearly whites: Instead of letting your mother soak her chompers in traditional denture cleaners, give her a gift basket filled with natural denture cleaners: vinegar and baking soda. The vinegar is an effective killer of microorganisms and helps to soften plaque. The baking soda gives it that Efferdent appeal. Throw some peppermint oil into the mix to mask the vinegar smell and taste. Or not. The pucker might suit her personality better.

4. Sustainable Cane: Skip the plastic cane and swap out her drugstore stylin' for a gangsta cane made out of reclaimed wood or a product that is Forest Stewardship Council approved. Just stay out of cane length's reach when she spies that Snoop Dogg handle bling made out of recycled glass.

5. Organic granny panties: Nothing screams GILF like a good, old-fashioned pair of granny panties. But, mom's sensitive old lady parts shouldn't be exposed to the likes of Lycra and other unbreathable fabrics. A nice set of breathable, organic cotton granties might just cheer her up and improve her mood. Throw in a crotchless pair and Dad just might get lucky for Mother's Day, too.