Got a lot of blackberries? Then check out this recipe for Blackberry Mojito Fruit Leather.

I'm not a huge fan of fruit leathers, but this turned out super good! And, really, you can't go wrong with blackberries, mint and rum.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Green Mother's Day gifts for the old lady

I've been seeing posts touting good suggestions for green gifts to give your mom for Mother's Day that have less of an environmental impact than traditional gifts. Unfortunately, most, if not all of the suggestions, just don't satisfy if your mother is an elderly curmudgeon.

I can just hear the complaints about the très chic Zulugrass jewelry and those sassy organic ballet flats. "How am I supposed to fit these things over my bunions? Plus, they don't have enough arch support. Are you trying to make me fall and break my hip again?" And, "You know I can't clasp this bracelet by myself!"

A weekend away at an organic spa won't fly with the old lady if she prefers to spend her days staring out the window, keeping an eye on the neighbors. For many, gift giving is wrought with insinuations and full of complaint landmines waiting to explode.

So, what do you get the crabby old lady who has everything? Since she's going to yell at you either way, you might as well get her something practical. And green. Here are my top five green gifts for the cranky old mom:

1. Homemade Ben-Gay: Soothe those arthritic hands with this homemade joint and muscle pain relief ointment made out of castor oil and chili oil. Mix 1 part chili oil to 10 parts castor oil. If she suffers from constipation, she can take a swig of it while she's at it. Just make sure you give it to her in an easy to open container. And leave a clear path to the toilet.

2. Nighttime organic cloth diapers: Speaking of toilet, don't stock up on synthetic, plastic lined adult diapers for Mom. Instead, spring for a set of comfy organic cotton cloth diapers for those nighttime accidents that leave both Mom and Dad grumpy the next day.

3. Give the gift of pearly whites: Instead of letting your mother soak her chompers in traditional denture cleaners, give her a gift basket filled with natural denture cleaners: vinegar and baking soda. The vinegar is an effective killer of microorganisms and helps to soften plaque. The baking soda gives it that Efferdent appeal. Throw some peppermint oil into the mix to mask the vinegar smell and taste. Or not. The pucker might suit her personality better.

4. Sustainable Cane: Skip the plastic cane and swap out her drugstore stylin' for a gangsta cane made out of reclaimed wood or a product that is Forest Stewardship Council approved. Just stay out of cane length's reach when she spies that Snoop Dogg handle bling made out of recycled glass.

5. Organic granny panties: Nothing screams GILF like a good, old-fashioned pair of granny panties. But, mom's sensitive old lady parts shouldn't be exposed to the likes of Lycra and other unbreathable fabrics. A nice set of breathable, organic cotton granties might just cheer her up and improve her mood. Throw in a crotchless pair and Dad just might get lucky for Mother's Day, too.

20 comments:

LatigoLiz said...

BWAHAHAAHAHA!

Hippy Goodwife said...

You are very, very twisted.

Wonder-ful said...

Don't take this the wrong way... but most of those are gifts I'd actually give. Especially the Ben-gay!

So thank you... I finally have something to make Grandma for mother's day :)

Becky said...

Crotchless panties and the photo of that woman should never be on the same page together. Thank you for tonight's nightmares, you twisted, sick, demented young lady!

wardhouse said...

FDL Love it! =) This is the first time I've seen the word curmudgeon in print! *giggles* I would so give these! =)

Farmer's Daughter said...

Haha! I want those organic granny panties! :)

I just give the moms and grandmas some pretty potted flowers, usually hanging baskets that they enjoy all summer (cause they remember to water them, unlike me).

MaddyG said...

Apparently you are acquainted with my Mother-in-law. ; )

Grace said...

Oh my! My mom's neither into organic ballet slippers or going to an organic spa, but she's not a crotchety old lady either...yet. I got her some local, raw honey, and haven't thought of anything beyond that yet. I don't think she's in need of any granny panties.

Anonymous said...

This post almost made me need those diapers, STAT! IT does sound a lot more like a promo for Grandma Day though (if there was such a thing), I'm in my mid-thirties and my and my friends' moms are all still pretty sprightly (for the most part).

Greenpa said...

Ok, so HOW did you find that pic? Is that a relative of yours, you just happened to have handy? Or were you searching the web? What search words were you using?

I'm curious because your search was obviously wildly successful.

"Horrifyingly delusional nearly naked grandma"?

Rosemary said...

I'm preoccupied with the same thoughts as greenpa!

Robj98168 said...

Unlike you I am a nice kid and actually appreciate my mommy...
Here is what I am giving her for Mothers' Day. Homemade Ben gay??? Homemade denture cleaner??? Homemade depends??? How rude!

Patty said...

Just be careful b/c some moms turn around and send the gift home with the giver after they make their 'polite' comment (attempts). I'd rather a plant although organic panties would be nice in non-granny style.

Condo Blues said...

I sent my mom flowers. One year I didn't coordinate my gift with my sib and we both gave our mom flowers. Mom complained to my sib that her flowers weren't as nice as mine.

Dea-chan said...

Oh Crunchy -- what would we do without you to turn everything into some form of a dirty joke?

Love your post.

Anonymous said...

growing old is a privilege. as i'm sure you understand.

Anonymous said...

I agree with anon growing old is a privilege. and deserves respect rather than ridicule.
making fun of people of a different age/religion/sex/race can go wrong quickly.

Crunchy Chicken said...

Greenpa - I think I searched for "old cranky lady" or something like that.

Anonymouses (or is that anonymousi?) - I'm not sure what you mean by privilege, but I'm not ridiculing the elderly, just mean people.

I believe that respect is given to those who earn it and not automatically granted because of their race, religion, gender or, for that matter, age.

The Raven said...

GILF? Excellent! I've already got the organic granny underwear, so I'm already prepared. (Hope my 11yo doesn't have children soon, though.)

Susan Elwell said...

Wonderful ideas. Wish I had read last week. Gave my mom a CSA share, poor thing thinks she has to actually pick her own veggies. I wonder if she thinks I am torturing her towards early dementia.

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