Check out my new book, The Non-Toxic Avenger: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You, available from Amazon.

2012 Silver winner in the Health/Medicine/Nutrition Category of the Independent Publishers Book Awards

Friday, January 4, 2008

Sex is greeny!

A few years ago, Greenpeace published The Greenpeace Guide to Environmentally-Friendly Sex, and I thought now is as good a time as any to recap their message. With my own comments, of course.

1. Do it with the lights off or, if you must see what you are doing, do it during the day.
This seems like a pretty reasonable request. Unless you are practicing something a little more XXX than most and there are safety concerns, you might want to spring for a low-watt CFL. Just in case.

2. If produce makes an appearance in your bedroom activities, then make sure it isn't genetically modified.
I'm less concerned about what's in it, than what's on it. If cucumbers are your best friend, make sure it's organic and wash it really well. Who needs pesticides in their privates? Uh, I suppose some people do.

3. Avoid oysters and other shellfish as aphrodisiacs and try something herbal instead.
While you're at it, for those of you out there who think that tiger penises will help you in bed, well, I'm pretty sure that the tiger needs it more than you do. Just use your own damn penis.

4. If a roll in the hay involves your yard, make sure you are using natural yard care practices.
Again, who needs bug spray on their bits? Now about those succulents... I highly recommend avoiding the cactus patch. Try the zucchinis instead.

5. Don't use fossil fuel based lubricants like petroleum jelly.
Since we're talking lube, most commercial brand lubricants have a number of different chemicals in them that people are sensitive too. Astroglide has a glycerin and paraben free product out now. Need a free sample? Firefly is an organic product that is safe for use with silicone, rubber or latex accessories and toys. "It is also great for underwater play!"

6. Avoid PVC and vinyl accessories as their production creates and releases dioxin. Stick to rubber and leather instead.
Leather is more expensive and not as stretchy, but who needs a guilt trip while having sex? "I really shouldn't be wearing this cupless PVC lace up corset. I should have gotten the studded leather bustier with choker instead.... I'm sorry, what was that honey? Do I mind if you do what?"

7. Share your showers and baths with a friend.
Well, that's just plain old good, clean advice.

8. If spanking's your thang, look for something certified by the Forest Stewardship Council.
Ummm. Okay.

9. Role playing games can be fun. We recommend playing "George Bush and Corporate America at the Earth Summit" or other S&M style games.
Wait a second. I think I got that one mixed up. Oh well, that brings me to...

10. Make love, not war.
Yeah. Don't be a Dick. Cheney. Crap, if I keep this up I'm going to have the Secret Service bugging my knickers.

So, as you head into your weekend filled with gardening and debauchery, keep in mind these fabulous tips from Greenpeace!

18 comments:

Chile said...

Wow, girl, you earned yourself an R blog rating with that post!

DC said...

You are absolutely hilarious, Crunchy. I especially like #10 (make love, not war). If you're idea of foreplay is launching phallic shaped cruise missiles at other countries and spying into your fellow citizens' bedrooms without a warrant, you've definitely got some greenin’ to do. I don't know if the vp uses genetically modified produce (nor do I want to know), but I've long suspected that a genetic mutation of some sort could explain a few things.

Anonymous said...

Loved your post! I'll make sure I practice only "green" lovin' from here on out!

laurel said...

I loved that one about the Tiger penises! That was hilarious!

Raw Vegan Mama said...

This made my morning! Thanks! :)

LOL!

thefourthstar said...

aaahahaha! this was perfect to wake up to. thanks. :)

rachel, pe said...

Oh. My. God. Reading your post actually made me snort coffee out my nose. My days would just not be the same without cc.com. For the record, Dan and I practice green sex. Maybe this could be a future challenge for your website! Or will it count as a viable option for Low Impact Week?

Jenna said...

Hysterical.... although I'll challange #7. Sharing a tub? Someone gets shafted in the hot water dept, more water used up, the soap dish gets broken, and if you do it right.... you end up in activities that mean everyone has to go take another bath.

Vicious cycle a greenie could get into there. A FUN vicious cycle, one I try to slip into from time to time with hubby, but a vicious cylce none the less. (lol)

Tara said...

Cute!
On a more serious note I thought I'd add a bit to go along with the lube comment. Many commercial lubes contain ingredients that throw off vaginal pH and cause chronic yeast infections. Just something to be aware of...

Magpie said...

LOL - best set of resolutions yet!

Jill said...

I don't think I have laughed out loud while reading a blog before! Just thinking about G.Bush and role playing really did me in!!!
(I think that might actually be a nightmare)
anyhoo, thanks for the laugh!

Elise said...

hahaha, I definitely laughed out loud, and am actually still laughing. I am sharing this with my friends. :-)

Shannon Hodgins said...

Oh golly, I think I just peed in my pants. Oh wait, I'll save the nitrogen to water my herbs. Too funny! Shannon

Emily said...

uaahaaha! Green is my favourite colour :) Thanks!
lol

Anonymous said...

Coconut oil makes a good lubricant. Melts at 75 degrees.

Crunchy Domestic Goddess said...

LOL - ya learn something new every day. :)

Tanyaa said...

SEX PISTOLS frontman JOHN LYDON has lashed out at rockers GREEN DAY, accusing them of stealing the term 'punk'.The singer - who performed as JOHNNY ROTTEN - claims the American band has reduced a political movement into a simple musical style.
------------
Tanyaa
http://www.hookup-tonite.com

Lilith said...

Brilliant ! :o)

LinkWithin