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Friday, January 11, 2008

The gardening perv

That's quite a melon!Yeah, you. You know who you are.

You get your piles of seed catalogs in early January, pore over them like porn during lock-down, and can't stop thinking of those glossy spreads of juicy melons, succulent Big Boy tomatoes and Yamato Extra Longs.

Problem is, it's still January. So, you start fantasizing about grow lights. Next, you'll be lusting over greenhouses and cold frames, with thoughts of running your fingers across their cold, hard bodies.

You are a gardening perv. Just admit it.

I'm talking about you, Rachel.

How many more of you are out there?

28 comments:

Magpie said...

that would be me.

and the crazy thing is, i don't do any of that starting things from seed.

barefoot gardener said...

Hi, my name is Barefoot, and I am a gardening perv.

Deb G said...

Ummm...yes I would be part of this group. I've already ordered most of my seeds, have been planning where to put the tomatoes I'll start from seed, been thinking and mapping how I want to organize the garden, and am reading about building cob houses-thinking about cob for a greenhouse :)

rachel, pe said...

There are few things better than the promise of a new growing season. Except a healthy family.

Is it so wrong to lay out my garden plot in AutoCAD?

So, let's see... I've been called a canning ho and a gardening perv...just guess the dirty things I think about doing with the bounty I harvest. And no, it doesn't involve green sex. Although I did grow very nice cucumbers last year.

Tameson O'Brien said...

oh my god you caught me!

Sandy said...

Crunch, is there a 12 step program for gardening pervs? We could all sit around and drink bad coffee and tell how violent we became when we saw hornworms on our tomato plants...

Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

I guess that I, too, am a gardening perv (although I've never heard that expression before). I spend the cold afternoons here in the Northeast with a cup of hot green tea and my gardening catalogs and I am reassured that spring will surely arrive.

DC said...

Some signs that you may be a gardening perv:

-You have more than five seed catalogs in your home -– that are over two years old.

-Your best friend just gave you a blank stare after you made what you thought was a really funny joke about peat pots.

-You recently overheard your spouse whispering something on the phone about “Burpee” and “intervention.”

-After your kindergartener complains that he can’t sleep with the grow lights on in his bedroom all night, you buy him a sleeping mask and consider the problem solved.

-You think that you’re not the one with the problem – it’s the other people who didn’t plant several rows of corn on the median dividing a six lane highway.

-You read Crunchy Chicken.

Green Bean said...

My name is Green Bean and I'm a gardening perv. I've been fondling the seed packets that I ordered over Christmas break daily and drawing out diagrams for my tiny little yard on multiple occasions. Yesterday, I planted my bareroot cane berries but I felt so dirty afterward. I had to keep washing and washing my hands to get over the thrill of having them wrist-deep in mud in January. You found me out. I too am a gardening perv.

cheaplikeme said...

This is hilarious ... I just said to my husband yesterday, "Hey, your porn magazine came today." Meaning, of course, the High Country Gardens catalog ...

Kristi said...

OMG, DC, I nearly peed (pea'd?) my pants. You and Crunchy must be spying on me.

Yes, I'm a gardening perv. I spend hours with seed catalogs and graph paper, highlight those parts that I've planted, calculate to the day when I can start munching on baby lettuce, and again when I can yank out the plant and seed again in the recently harvested space. The garage emits a flickering glow during the months of January, February and March. I'm afraid the neighbors are going to call in my "growing operation".

Melinda said...

Yeah. Stack of seed catalogs by my bed. Read them every night. Drool. Circle too many seeds. Narrow them down eventually but still order too many, cuz they all sound so good.

And... I have a seedling mat. And a growing rack (sort of a mini greenhouse). And my dining room has seedlings in it.

All the pretty pictures....

Trina said...

You waited til January! Heck, I had my seeds ordered and here before Yule. LOL. I can think of worse things to be addicted to.

Rosa said...

me me me!

i just got my seeds in the mail, even. And put the start dates for all of them in the calendar. And started trying to jigger my garden map to make room for more things, despite a solemn vow to cut back this year because we clearly don't have enough time for everything we want to do.

Every year I start way more seedlings than I have room for and end up giving away a bunch. It's like having an unspayed cat "Are you sure you don't want another tomato plant? It's an heirloom variety.

katecontinued said...

Hil.Lar.I.Ous.

BoysMom said...

Ooh! Me! Me!

We got another four inches of snow last night (measuring by the amount on the top of the car). I have a window box of spinach seedlings, four napa cabbage sprouts, one green cabbage sprout, and there's a cantaloupe doing it's best to sprout.

I haven't done too much drooling over catalogues: Johhny's arrived a few days after I planted those little guys. I think the others have lost me in all the moves. Hey, they're all two year old seeds, they needed to be used up anyway, right?

Maybe I should mention that we'll probably have frost until sometime in late June or early July.

jill said...

Count me in too! I just got my seeds in the mail today and will be doing my first 'real' garden this year. Needless to say I am learning a lot just by planning and researching and can't wait until April!

Summer said...

Yeah, you got me. I've been drooling over my seed catalogues for days now. I need a 12 step program. Or an early spring.

~amy~ said...

*raises her hand and runs away looking for her catalog*

Chile said...

Ok, as the only person here that kills more vegetables than she grows, I just have to say...

You people are sick! Someone should take those nasty magazines away from you. And knowing what you've been doing with your Big Boy tomatoes and Armenian cucumbers, no way will I come to dinner at your house.

ROFLMAO, but sad, too. I think my sweetie is a closet garden perv.

The Simpleton said...

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. *leaves comment and runs away maniacally toward her secret stash*

Anonymous said...

Any of you perverts want to help some of us fledglings? I *WANT* to be a gardening perv, I'm just not all that sure at what I'm doing!

Rosa said...

Anon, get yourself a little plot in a community garden. There will be many helpful people.

I mean, get a little plot if you can. When I lived in a small town where all the community gardeners were retired farmers who thought a 50-foot row of beets was "scaling back", I paid $15 and asked for only half a plot. The person who marked the plots felt sorry for me and fudged a little...it was big enough to build a house on. Whole plots were 50 feet by 25 feet. I think mine was 50 feet by 17 feet. It got wildly out of hand and I spent all of August hacking at weeds with a machete so I could harvest things.

But before that, people gave me seed potatos and advice and tried very hard to share pesticides too. Half of them were old people who had grown food all their lives and the other half were feeding their families off their plots. It was amazing.

Mazzajo said...

Guilty! And I'm waaayyy guiltier than any of you, 'cos it's Summer on this side of the world. My tomatoes are just about to turn red, but I'm already plotting which varieties to grow next year! I'm drooling over the seed catalogues for autumn-winter planted veg.

melinmi said...

Not only a perv but a total sucker for the catalogs. Of course, I can grow Cranberries and probably some Jerusalem Artichokes too.

I can't wait. I have been plotting how much more yard I can over take. Maybe my husband won't notice...

sylvia said...

I did not know there was a word for what I am. I just spent the entirety of my only free afternoon this week looking at gardening catalogues. I thought it was only me. I thought I was all alone. Thank you thank you thank you for letting me know I am not alone, that there IS hope.

Wait, there is hope, right?

How Can I Help You? said...

I am totally a gardening perv. As I sit here typing, there are two catalogs within my line of sight. I like to leave them around the house in stopping zones, so I can get a quick hit of garden porn (which is what I call it) conveniently and frequently.

Anonymous said...

I went around the neighborhood on a weekday afternoon in October collecting seeds from all of my neighbor's flower gardens and puting them in homemade envelopes (muttering "marigolds are free," much to my wife's dismay.)

I also sprouted Kiwis from the ones I bought at the grocery store. And a mango. And a tamarind. And lemons. And lychee. And chestnuts that I filled my pockets with when we visited an arboretum last fall.

I am not an animal!!

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