Well, we finally did it. Starting last week we gave our two kids free reign of the great outdoors. Of course, there are some limitations. Like they can go to the end of the block on either side (which is actually quite long) and they are allowed to go in neighbor's yards only if invited. They've gotten into a few scrapes, mostly a few banged up knees on bikes and scooters and a few altercations with neighbor kids (regarding a missing stick). That, and getting in trouble for ringing doorbells and dashing off. But, all in all, it could be a whole lot worse. It took a couple days of nervousness, but I'm comfortable with them out alone now.
There are usually other kids out there (mostly older) and we live in a quiet neighborhood, which doesn't really mean much and maybe I'm just kidding myself, but I distinctly remember running around free on our streets around Henry's age. Henry is 7 and Emma is 5 and 1/2.
And, then, last night I got The Lecture. You see, my mom was watching Emma yesterday while I was at work and she is very uncomfortable giving her the same reign of freedom Emma has come to expect with her scooter and my mom dutifully followed her around outside for an hour and a half. She tends toward the paranoid, but I don't recall the same sort of oversight growing up even though she states she was almost abducted at age 4, hence her discomfort. But she grew up in Brooklyn and things are a little different, if not safer, these days.
I've already seen a change in their personalities - more confidence, less fear, more ability and willingness to resolve their own problems. These are skills that are difficult to teach if you raise kids with too close an eye. Does this mean I don't worry when they are outside alone? Nope. Does this mean I don't panic when they lock themselves inside the garage and hide in the back of the car? Not at all. But, how else will they learn what is, and isn't acceptable, if they are never given the chance to do whatever crazy ass things they think of?
What about you guys? Do you keep your kids close or let them run loose?
Related posts:
Free Range Children
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Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder
Anxious Parents: A History of Modern Childrearing in America
I Love Dirt!: 52 Activities to Help Your Kids Discover the Wonders of Nature
29 Crunchy Thoughts:
we have the luxury of living, not only on a cul de sac, but in the house i grew up in surrounded by the (now) elderly neighbors who were raising families when i was small. my kids are allowed the run of the street. often i'll find my five yr old in a neighbor's garage or sitting on a porch swing paying a visit and catching up on the neighborhood gossip. my 11 yr old is fiercely protective of her and reports back frequently. my 15 yr old broods under the across the street neighbor's magnolia waiting for the over the fence neighbor girl (who i've recently learned is his "semisortakinda girlfriend"). they're each content to stick close to home
Mine are allowed to the playgrounds and the gardens and know to stick together. They ride their bikes up to a mile or so any direction. They are 10 and 12 boys and I've given up worrying too much. I'm more inclined to make them go outside than keep them in. Its a small house we live in and active boys break things (sorry mum:).
viv in nz
My girls are 7 and 5. We live on a kind of busy street. So the rules for outside play are:
1. Front yard - two kids at all times no exceptions.
2. Back field - they can go as far as they want as long as they can still see the kitchen window.
3. No bikes/scooters on the road. We don't have sidewalks, but we have a 1/2 circle driveway so they have lots of room to bike.
4. We have two really good neighbours to the right of us and they let the kids play in their backyards too.
All of this gives the kids room to roam without stressing me out. I'm sure I'll have to expand their 'territory' eventually but for this summer this seems to work.
My son is almost 9 and I've tried to give him some free range, but he won't take it! We live right next to a large park with a lake about 2mi around and ball fields. He'll go down to the playground by himself but never stays longer than 15mins or so. He won't play outside by himself at all. I think the problem is he only likes one family of kids down the street and they're from a split household so aren't home that often. Being an only child, he doesn't have anyone else to play with (except his mortal enemy, the 9yo girl next door, who he hasn't played with in 2yrs). I don't know how to encourage exploration in a homebody unless I'm out there myself, which isn't always possible.
Our boys are 7 and 9 and we give them reign to go about 1/2 mile from the house on their bikes and on foot. There are 2 other boys the same age, but the mom despises our "green lifestyle", so they never get to play together. She also lets us know how bad we are as parents in letting our kids out unsupervised.
Yes. They are allowed to go outside without me hovering over them. In fact, when it's sunny out, I issue that age old command "It's a nice day. Go ouside."
Oh how I wish we could! They have no desire to go outside to play in the small area they are allowed to play in - that area that you can see from our condo balcony situated between two buildings. This is the downside of living in a condo vs an actual house with a yard.
These days... we go to the pool and they play/swim while we lounge. They are still under our watchful eye but we try to interact as little as possible with them. Hopefully, this gives them some sense that they are playing independently with friends although we are sitting right there.
We live on a dead-end street in the "boondocks" so my 3-year-old (nearly 4) has started going outside on his own but only on our property, mostly the front yard. I check on him every 5 minutes mostly because I don't trust him not to get into stuff that he's not supposed to. If he goes to our neighbor's, he has to ask me first and then I accompany him. It's been working out well, especially when I have a baby to care for, put down for a nap, etc. As my son gets older and becomes more mature, he won't need me to check on him every 5 minutes.
We live in an apartment in a very urban area, but I try to give my 10 year old daughter as much free rang as possible. She is allowed to walk around our apartments by herself and go to the small field that is behind the fire station next door. She goes to the library and convenience store across the street by herself. There is a park not far from us, but she has to have a friend, or me go with her for that. I have gotten the safety lecture from my mom about my daughter roaming the city. But she takes karate and knows about the importance of safety. I know a lot of my neighbors, I chat with the owners of the convenience store, and the librarians about my daughter. I know that there are a lot of people around us who are watching out for her. She really is being raised by a village in the middle of the city.
We live in the country, so my 4,5 and 12 year old kids have free range of our 10 acres, except now is snake season, so they have to stick close to the house and out of the tall pasture grass. When autumn returns they'll spend their days hollering on the hill in the trees and rocks.
We had a long, heartfelt discussion on this on a local site:
http://www.urbanmamas.com/urbanmamas/2009/06/kids-in-public-do-you-let-them-out-of-sight.html#comments
My feeling is that the illusion of safety has been the same for the most part, except for extreme situations like war, or particularly lawless or wild situations.
An interesting comparison was made on the discussion to kids being safer roaming a neighborhood unsupervised than getting into a car. That rang a bell, as it occurred to me a few years ago that I'd never ridden in a car seat as a child (of the '70s). I was able to find an academic paper that was able to *show* that car seats have done no more to save lives of kids age 2-6 than seatbelts did. The first question is, would this convince you that you don't need a car seat for your child? Of course, anyone who's seen a car wreck with a child seat in it would not. But I think a good point that comes up to me is that I know for a fact that my sister and I drive our kids around about 10 times more than our mom did in 1973. And I truly think that parent's increased awareness of children's vulnerability, rates of victimization, and increased protectiveness have helped keep the rates from increasing since the '70s.
My kids are 2.5 and 5.5 so they are a little on the young side for too much up supervised play. We live out in the "sticks" but on our country road the cars tend to speed and there are no side walks and lots of hills and bends that cause poor visibility. For this reason they aren't allowed anywhere near the road. I don't even like walking on it with them, it's just too treacherous. Luckily our property is on the corner of a sleepy little road so we cut over there when we want to walk as a family. We have a very long U shaped drive so the girls can ride bikes out going on the road. My 5.5 has always been very mature and I was able to trust her outside by herself from the age of 2. I would tell her she would have to stay in the back yard only and she would stay put there. I could never do this with my 2.5 year old though. Her personality is very different and she takes off and goes in the front yard or does what she feels like doing even with my set "stay in the back yard limits". So while I can trust the 5 year old outside by herself and she is free to roam around our property, when her little sister is out there, I have to be pretty attentive. I do give a bit of space going on the porch or watching from the kitchen. I think as she gets older I'll be able to trust her a bit more unsupervised (I hope!).
I never let Romeo off the leash. But he is a dog.But for kids they need to run free. I was always allowed to- but then in my neighborhood growing up,people watched out for each others kids, And tattled on them to boot. Not that I ever did anything wrong. Thats my story and I am sticking to it!
We live in the country, too, so my kids have a lot of area to roam. They are still small (3 and 5.5), so they tend to stay close to the house. We also have snakes, so it's ok with me that they don't roam far.
I think my boy (the 5 year old) would roam further, but he wants company and the 3 year old doesn't like walking as much, so he'd have to go on his own.
Unfortunately, though, they feel perfectly safe wandering from me in stores, much to my chagrin. The town we go to is small, though, so I don't worry too much.
My daughter (8) hangs out in the back yard by herself a lot, but she has no siblings and we live on a busy street in an urban area, and our busy street leads up to three busy cross-streets in a row, so she isn't allowed to hang out by herself outside much. She and our neighbor (9) run back and forth between our houses. We had a block party last year and the kids LOVED having the freedom to run up and down the street and to each others' houses unsupervised, but a lot of the time she doesn't want that freedom if she is alone. I think soon (next couple of years) she will learn to cross the busy street and go to the store alone, but it does make me nervous. I remember going to buy a candy bar without adults when I was 11, with my sister, but it's harder to know how to manage an only.
My kids are too young to range free. My oldest is only 4. I do allow her into our back yard unsupervised, which isn't the same thing but it's a start. I like the idea of allowing her freedom in the next couple of years.
And I have found that our parents are far more cautious with their grandchildren than they were with us. I think they're no longer accustomed to the daily rough-and-tumble of kids. At least, that's my best explanation for it.
I did let my daughter (5.5 year old) use the restroom by her self in a store while I looked at car seats with her brother. She had no problem. I dont let her play in the front yard but I have let her play in the back yard from about 4 with out supervision.
Ugh. I got lecture #2 today. This time reminding me how I was almost abducted when I was 13 (and walking to school alone, I might add) and it was declared that the kids shouldn't be able to be out by themselves until they are at least 10. Sigh.
When I started reminding her how I was romping about the suburbs at age 7ish, the conversation quickly changed subjects. Go figure.
Oh do I have a story for you!! I live in the 'burbs. Very safe, very quiet. My 7yo can do up and down the block (we live on a cul de sac) and his almost 6yo brother can too, if the older one is with him. Well, a month or so ago, the 2 went outside while I was putting their sister down for a nap. Less than one hour later, they were escorted home by the sheriff and an ambulance. They had gotten 2 miles away! (In the meantime, I had gotten a neighbor to watch my sleeping daughter while another neighbor and I scanned the neighborhood.) Needless to say, their freedom has been REVOKED until I can trust them again. Feel free to use this story on them!
In general, I DO believe in freedom for kids. But if they abuse it like mine did, it's GONE. That was terrifying!
my daughter is only 2, and we live in the city so she's not really given "freedom" in that sense, not yet anyways.
She's more of the dart out into the street because she saw a bird type...or climb up a fence..because it's there.
Definitely free range here. Of course we live in a marina (ie we have a "village") so my little one has people who know him everywhere all the time. What a luxury! On the flip side we all joke that he'll never be able to get away with anything, b/c he's surrounded by "aunties" and "uncles". I love it!
I think it's a problem without a real solution. The truth is; regardless of oversight, the risk of catastrophe to children is never, ever 0.
And it's easy to find stories of kids finding ways to kill themselves inside homes- like Mike Tyson's 4 year old, less than a month ago. She did find a hazard almost no sensible adult would have worried about.
Joseph Heller, the author of "Catch 22", wrote a later novel called "Something Happened". It's long, and dreary; I'll give you the plot here: A father is very very concerned about the safety and wellbeing of his small son. He's obsessed with it. At the end of the book, which is almost entirely made of details of agonizing about safety; the boy has an accident that knocks him out. In a panic- the father holds and hugs the child, unable to do anything else. The child dies. The autopsy shows the cause of death was- suffocation, not the blow to the head.
Yuck, huh? One of the few books I've never read twice.
But the point is good. You cannot- cannot escape deadly risk completely; no matter what you do.
Yet another knife edge for us to balance on; all our life long.
I have struggled with this issue so much as well! I grew up on a pony in the middle of nowhere...but it's been hard for me living in the suburbs. I firmly believe in letting them play outside. They have been allowed in the backyard with minimal supervision for years and when I tore out the grass in the front yard I created a seating area so I could watch them ride bikes. This spring I have started letting them roam with limits that I better be able to see them whenever I check! My boys are 5 and 7, and my nephew just moved back in with us is almost 9. I believe that they need that independence to grow strong mnds and bodies! It's been harder with my nephew here because all he wants to do is play video games. But I am constantly kicking him outside!
Hello,
Yeah... I remember walking to Kindegarten with another friend. It was probably a 10minute walk too... also, my friends and I would go from house to house really playing as we pleased.
It's good though to drill into their minds over and over to never go with someone they don't know.
I 'also' almost got abducted when I was about 6 (6...what a sicko, man!).
Yesterday, I watched a 7 year old kid run into the road to get a ball, without looking...at all. So, we live on a neighborhoodey street but it was around commuting home time.
Just rambling but it wouldn't hurt to heed your mom partly (o;
Mine is not quite 4, and doens't have a sibling, so not yet.
We will see as he gets older. I do think there being 2 of them helps a lot - i remember my little brother as a total narc and rule-follower.
I don't have kids yet, but I grew up in an overprotective household and I still feel the effects and see them in my brother and sister. We all have low self-esteem, lack of ambition, give up easily, are shy and timid, and we tend to sit back and allow others to do things for us. We were also told that everything was our fault, and that the most important thing is that we were safe (never a mention of acheiving our dreams - just be safe).
It's very sad, and I hope that if and when I am ever blessed with children, I learn from these lessons, and also don't swing too far the other way. I guess, as in all things, moderation is key.
25 years ago (more or less), my daughters' kindergarten teacher greeted the parents the first day with this speech, "You can accompany your child the first week, after that they need to be able to get to and from school by themselves." I have a feeling that if she had said the same thing to my grandson's class last year, they parents would have pitched a fit. Consequently, msot of the kids have no idea how to get anyplace because they have never had to pay attention to where they are going, some one puts them in a car and takes them there.
Of course, I have noticed that i didn't let my grnadsons play out in the back yard by themselves as much as I let their nmother and her sister, but that has to do with their temperaments and the changes that have occurred in my back yard in the intervening years, it is no longer as kid friendly as it once was.
I do legal research and have reviewed more horrible things than you can imagine. And I live in an area where 4 high-profile (and who knows how many other) kids have disappeared in the past year and not come back alive. I love the free-range idea, I remember the joys of childish solitude, I believe in its benefits, but - like your mom - I don't want to be out of grabbing distance of my grandkids. I suspect that playing in my neighborhood is safer than riding in my car, but I can't get past the things I've seen.
Check out this site for lots of posts along these lines: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
Lenore even has some numbers around how we are safer now than when we were kids in the 70s and 80s.
My kids are 5.5 and 1. The older has not yet shown that she is aware enough of her surroundings to be truly free range outside of the house and we don't live in a neighborhood that is kid-friendly (very hilly with busy streets). But she get free range at home.
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