Check out my new book, The Non-Toxic Avenger: What You Don't Know Can Hurt You, available from Amazon.

2012 Silver winner in the Health/Medicine/Nutrition Category of the Independent Publishers Book Awards

Friday, February 22, 2008

A shot across the bow

I'm sad to say that, a few weeks ago, Greenpa launched a vicious attack against me.

So, instead of spending this precious time regaling you all with my meanderings regarding making my own butter and toothpaste, or with more community-building posts such as book clubs, polls and the like, I feel compelled to defend myself against this spiteful public smear campaign.

Now, while I appreciate the intense jealousy that must be fueling his actions, Greenpa is living in a pretty big glass outhouse to be throwing stones.

Let me begin this story with Greenpa's various "absences". Most notably November 6th through December 2nd and December 31st through January 17th. Many readers will assume that Greenpa was "busy" or "away on vacation". Alas, this is not true. I even feel ashamed being part of the cover-up as illustrated in my guest post on December 3rd. But it was only to protect the intense investigation I was running.

In fact, instead of cleaning out his weep hole, lighting his chimney on fire, or whatever nonsense he was purporting to be doing, Greenpa was, in fact busy working on what he really does for a living.

Sure, he leads us all to believe that he's this maverick living out in the woods, off the fat of the land. But it's all hooey. You see, the blog is just a cover for his real avocation. Growing marijuana. I'm sorry to burst your bubble about Greenpa, people, but those big greenhouses of his aren't growing spinach. In fact, Greenpa has several grow operations spread across the country. And Guam.

Visiting 'grandpa'He even has the audacity to bring his children along with him to check in on the operations, codenamed 'grandpa'. Not very clever, I might add. Thus, the reason why Dick Cheney (DC) was trying to plant operatives in the THWASPCO.

But, the truth of the matter is (after much investigation from this particular government employee) that Greenpa has had an amazing breakthrough in developing a hybrid marijuana, Cannabis greenpis, that takes nearly no energy to grow and very little land. There is suggestion that this may very well be the bio-fuel that saves the planet. Yet, one of the effects of this clean burning fuel is that the emissions that are emitted cause, shall we say, a rather pleasant experience.

The only drawback is that it may increase the obesity rates of Americans as one of the natural side-effects of inhaling this exhaust is a bad case of the Munchies (Norwegian pronunciation here, please). Hence Greenpa's fascination with Edvard Munch and his insistence, during a research-induced high I must presume, that I am "The Scream". Frightening indeed.

Fortunately, Greenpa is working on a few genetic tweaks to hopefully provide an appetite suppressant quality to Cannabis greenpis. Thereby solving two massive problems, global warming and obesity, with one solution.

He who controls the Spice...So, this is the real reason why we have no concrete information on Greenpa's identity and his super secret nature. And, perhaps why he refers to himself as "Green"pa and his wife as "Spice". Either that, or it's from too many viewings of Dune while in the lab.

However, make no mistake. I will continue to closely monitor Greenpa's activities if only I can bring myself to read through his 5,000 word posts.

8 comments:

Greenpa said...

lol. So, you're one of those who just HAS to have the last word, eh? And you seem to have TOO much time on your hands, young lady. We'll have to find something useful for you to do.

Hilarious, if possibly libelous and actionable... :-)

DC said...

Greenpa, I’ll behave (today).

One thing I do feel I must clarify, however, is that I am not, technically speaking, Dick Cheney -- though you are correct, Crunchy, that there is a connection between the VP and controlled substances. Here’s the story:

Our assistant Commander and Chief apparently wasn’t always such a bad buy. I recently uncovered some video footage of him in his younger years, and I have to say, it’s hard to believe that he’s the same person you see today.

The big question, of course, is what could have turned the sweet little Dickey that we everyone adored into the big Dick that we don’t so much? I have recently uncovered the shocking Truth. And by “Truth,” I mean that I have the same quality of evidence to support this claim that the Bush administration did about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

This is complicated, so please listen very carefully. The year was 1985. The Farm Aid concert had just begun in Champaign, Illinois. A young (well, relatively) Rickey C. (his stage name then) was about to go on stage to open for Willie Nelson. Then, tragedy struck. You may have heard that toxic pollen from genetically modified corn can land on milkweed, the favorite food of Monarch butterflies, and kill them. Well, that same pollen can also land on another kind of weed, and that’s exactly what happened. Willie left a few of his favorite “homegrown plants” outside his trailer, and a west wind coated them with genetically modified Bt corn pollen from a nearby field. This dramatically altered their chemical structure. Happy-go-lucky Dick, thinking that the plants were perfectly safe (and wanting to look like the Marlboro Man) crumbled some of them up and rolled them into a cigarette. As soon as he lit it, the smoke instantly caused irreparable damage to his DNA, and that marked the beginning of his descent into darkness. It’s very sad, but it could have been worse. Just think what could have happened if these guys had gotten their hands on any of that stuff.

And that’s the Truth.

I can't verify what Greenpa does or doesn't grow, but I'm sure that whatever it is, it's at least organic.

Sandy said...

OK --

I've read funny stuff, laughed at Cartman, danced to I've Got The Power, and laughed hysterically at pot jokes.

Life is good. :)

Now I gotta go to work!

And find a copy of Frontier House.

Spice said...

FOUL! FOUL! I'm crying foul, because I laughed so hard.

Nice to know that I'm the "SPICE".

We'll just have to see!

Chile said...

Internet Smackdown!

Conflict between two well-known green bloggers escalated today with the Crunched Crusader launching strong allegations of inappropriate gardening against Greenpoop. This attack seems to be in retaliation for poultry insults made on the Little Blog some weeks past. Observers thought the danger had passed and are unsure what prompted this latest onslaught. Insiders confirm, “This fight is not over!” and worry this latest volley might just be the tipping point into full-scale blogwar.

A tearful Spice says, “I never thought it would go this far” While Mr. Crunchy confesses, “I’m afraid my little chickie’s gonna get her tail feathers fried.” Cover the children’s eyes, folks, this is likely to get bloody.

This has been an exclusive from Fartsy reporting for K9 News.

Crunchy Chicken said...

Oh, my god. I think we've all fallen off our rockers. Especially gramps.

Many thanks to Fartsy for her hard-hitting reporting, although I believe she's overestimated the conflict.

Just wait until Greenpa and I jointly launch our next attack, this time against the world. I'll leave it up to Greenpaps to illustrate the physics of such a dangerous combination of "talents".

And that, my friends, is just a teaser. Stay tuned....

Chile said...

Word on the street is this is all a big cover-up for a soon-to-be-announced late bid for Presidency.

DC said...

I feel really sorry for anyone who is trying to read a electronically translated version of today's blog using Babel Fish or some other marginal online translation software. It's probably coming out like: "American grandparents are making biofuels in their pot-ty houses from hash brownies and crispy chickens."

Chile, I could go for a Crunchy/Greenpa ticket -- assuming that lazy coyote dog of yours isn't running. Otherwise, I'd have to vote for her -- after the last 8 years, I think having a leader who would just lay around and not make things any worse might be just what the country needs.

Okay, now I really did just paste today's post into Babel Fish (electronic translator) and had it translate into Spanish and then back into English. Here's what came back (I'm not making this up -- you can try it yourself):

". . . Instead of passing this precious time regaling him [Greenpa] with my meanderings with respect the manufacture of my own mantequilla and dental cream, or with more posts of the community-building such as clubs, surveys and similars of the book, I feel forced to defend against this public campaign spiteful of the transference blotch. Now, whereas I esteem the intense jealousy that must supply of fuel their actions, Greenpa is living in outhouse of pretty great crystal to send stones . . . In fact, instead of the cleaning he was crying in his hole, igniting his chimney in the fire, or doing any absurd thing he tried to do, Greenpa was, in the occupied operation of the fact in which he really does for a life. Surely, he leads all to us to think that he is east rebel who lives towards the outside in wood, of the Earth fat. But it is all the hooey. You see, blog is right a cover for true his avocation: Increasing marijuana. I am grieved to explode its bubble on Greenpa, people, but those great conservatories of his are not growing spinach . . . Greenpa has had an amazing breach in developing a hybrid marijuana, greenpis of the Hemps, that does not take almost any energy to grow and the very small Earth. There is suggestion that this one can very flow is the bio-fuel that saves the planet. Still, one of the effects of this clean ardent fuel is that the emissions that are emitted cause, we say, a somewhat pleasant experience. The only disadvantage is that it can increase the indices of the obesity of Americans as one of the natural indirect effect to inhale this extractor is badly a case of the Munchies (pronunciación Norwegian here, please). Therefore the fascination of Greenpa with Edvard chews and its insistence, during an investigation-induced overflow that I must be conceited, that I am 'the shout'. Frightful in fact. Luckyly, Greenpa is working in some twisted tiny amounts genetic esperanzadamente to provide a quality suppressant of the appetite to greenpis of the Hemps. Of such way solving two massive problems, global warming up themselves and obesity, with a solution. It who controls the spice... therefore, this one is the true reason for which we do not have any concrete information on the identity and its wonderful secret nature of Greenpa . . ."

Maybe that's where all the problems started in Iraq. Next time, we'll have to be sure to use human translators.

(Greenpa, I think I may have just passed you falling off the rocker.)

LinkWithin